Back at the Gym

August 25, 2012

Today was my first day back at the gym after a long summer. I got there just in time for zumba, one of the most joyful and humbling workouts imaginable.  (I can’t describe it. If you don’t know what it is, picture a whole lot of white women doing the salsa to the music of Pitbull. If you don’t know who Pitbull is, and you feel the need to know who Pitbull is, you are on the internet, so look him up.) I followed class with a long, hot shower, uninterrupted by children looking for socks or a telephone call from a computer trying really hard to convince the home security system they want to install is actually free  And then, also for the first time since the middle of June, I took out my fat, round brush and blew dry my hair. It boils down to this- I spent an hour and a half this morning looking at myself in the in the mirror.

This is what I learned.

1. I look really good with a tan.

2. There is a reason Zumba is often done in a dimly lit room, most people look like idiots while zumbaing. I caught a glimpse of myself in between a gyration and a hip thrust and decided next week I would take out my lenses beforehand.

3. Scowling doesn’t look sexy on most people. I know photographers and models have conspired to make American women think that scowling is mysterious and inviting. However, after catching a glimpse of this particular expression on my face, and the faces of other women in the class, I noted  that it in fact makes the wearer appear mad, constipated and, in extreme cases, dangerous. Of course, I caught myself smiling in the mirror and regretted not wearing my retainer after my braces came off.

4. That thing I do with my mouth when I look at myself, that pouty thing, it makes me look like a llama. I don’t hink it’s ever going to fashionable to resemble an irritated animal that lives in the Andes.

5.  I need to do my eyebrows. I don’t know what I need to do to my eyebrows, but I do know that something needs to be done. They don’t look right.

6. Blowdrying is the most insanely boring activity since traffic. I think someone should invent a way to blow dry ones hair while sitting in traffic, thus killing two tedious birds with one stone. I should patent this.

7. Next week, I’m standing in the back row and letting my hair dry in the car. All this visual introspection has made me uncomfortably aware that I need to make immediate appointments with both an orthodontist and  aesthetician, and I will never get a call back for a chorus line.

But at least I look good with a tan.

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