Right now, Happy New Year, Conflicted

December 30, 2012

Life is hard. We don’t have any money. We live in a world where the rest of the world does. Have money. I apologize all the time. And we eat a lot of pasta. Really macaroni, but if I call it pasta it doesn’t feel so bad.

But we are healthy. That sounds corny but I just read a book by Jodi Picoult and I do read the newspaper and I am forced to count, among my blessings, we are healthy.

And we laugh a lot. Quite often our giggles are because I try to dance. And our dog finds my moves very, um, exciting. Or one of the kids tells a very stupid joke. Or makes a very stupid face. Or farts.

It’s tough, but it’s not. We are fine, but we are not. When I look at the whole world, we are so blessed. When I check out our neighborhood, I am such a failure. Katy wants to know why Santa is so generous with others, Colin cries when he thinks he went over his data allowance on his phone.

How can I feel so lucky and so cursed inside the same breath?

How can we giggle and laugh and weep inside the same hour?

We are so very happy and we are so very sad.

And I have no choice, I have to hold onto the moments of joy. I have to examine the pain and try to fix it, or not.

I have to move thru it all with grace, and joy, and dignity. I have to acknowledge sometimes it sucks and honor the moments it does not.

How can I grieve when people are starving? How can I laugh when everything breaks?

And I do. I shall. I will laugh and grieve and weep and giggle and go on. And show my kids how to go on as best I can.

Because I have the option. And having options, and choices, the ability to choose whether or not to laugh or cry, to celebrate or mourn… that merits a celebration, a toast, and a prayer.

Happy New Year.

One Response to “Right now, Happy New Year, Conflicted”

  1. stevencahalane said

    beautiful grasp of the reality. love you, keep grasping

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